Responses 1-2, Week 6
On Kyley's "Solitary Shell":
First, let me say that I love your choice. Kafka is one of my many heroes, though "The Metamorphosis" isn't my particular favorite (I still, nonetheless, love it, of course).
Anyways, I love the line "This human hybrid with more legs than words." Since I already knew that Kafka was the influence, I can't exactly say how I would respond to this line if I had not known. However, especially knowing this, I think it brilliantly describes the state of his existence: it's short, quick, and easy, but it encompasses his very essence. He is, in fact, a bug ("more legs") with a man's mind ("human hybrid") and no ability to speak ("than words"). Bravo, really, bravo!
I wonder about the first line, though. Could the poem do without it, or do you feel that it adds something to the overall composition? For me, personally, I think the line "confined in his bedroom" would be a great opening. It establishes setting and provides a springboard/catalyst for the lines that follow.
Also, I would seriously consider reworking the lines "...breaking customs, / Going behind enemy lines." You've packed two cliches into one sentence (though it relies on enjambment). Reading other pieces of yours, I think you could find a clever way to solve this. This is, of course, dependent upon whether or not you agree.
I really hope you keep working on this one in particular, though. I think it has great potential.
On Diamond's "In Picking Up Women":
You have no idea how much I enjoy this. In particular, I love how you played around with the last word in each line. For example: "Chris" (1), "Christmas" (8), "Christians" (16), and "criss-" (23). ESPECIALLY "criss-" (23). Do you realize how amazing that is? I never once considered breaking a word into syllables like that in order to play off another word--in this case, of course, "Chris."
Since this is a calisthenic and not necessarily a complete piece, I am weary to point out the cliche "olive branch" (though, just as you did with "Chris," I love that you used "Olive / Oyl"--so damn original).
For your first sestina, this is pretty damn fantastic.
First, let me say that I love your choice. Kafka is one of my many heroes, though "The Metamorphosis" isn't my particular favorite (I still, nonetheless, love it, of course).
Anyways, I love the line "This human hybrid with more legs than words." Since I already knew that Kafka was the influence, I can't exactly say how I would respond to this line if I had not known. However, especially knowing this, I think it brilliantly describes the state of his existence: it's short, quick, and easy, but it encompasses his very essence. He is, in fact, a bug ("more legs") with a man's mind ("human hybrid") and no ability to speak ("than words"). Bravo, really, bravo!
I wonder about the first line, though. Could the poem do without it, or do you feel that it adds something to the overall composition? For me, personally, I think the line "confined in his bedroom" would be a great opening. It establishes setting and provides a springboard/catalyst for the lines that follow.
Also, I would seriously consider reworking the lines "...breaking customs, / Going behind enemy lines." You've packed two cliches into one sentence (though it relies on enjambment). Reading other pieces of yours, I think you could find a clever way to solve this. This is, of course, dependent upon whether or not you agree.
I really hope you keep working on this one in particular, though. I think it has great potential.
On Diamond's "In Picking Up Women":
You have no idea how much I enjoy this. In particular, I love how you played around with the last word in each line. For example: "Chris" (1), "Christmas" (8), "Christians" (16), and "criss-" (23). ESPECIALLY "criss-" (23). Do you realize how amazing that is? I never once considered breaking a word into syllables like that in order to play off another word--in this case, of course, "Chris."
Since this is a calisthenic and not necessarily a complete piece, I am weary to point out the cliche "olive branch" (though, just as you did with "Chris," I love that you used "Olive / Oyl"--so damn original).
For your first sestina, this is pretty damn fantastic.
posted by Chris Lyons at
8:12 PM
2 Comments:
Hey, Chris, sorry I should probably have my name up somewhere else on my blog but my name is Diamond, not Angela. Heh.
Sorry, I knew whose it was. I had Angela's page up on another tab and accidentally typed her name. Thank you so much for catching the mistaking! :)
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