Response 1, Week 5

On Queenie's free-write:

I think you should consider revising line 3:  "a ghostly angry whisper."  It sounds awkward and somewhat clunky.  I think it may have something to do with the juxtaposition between "ghostly" and "angry."

I absolutely love the lines "...a tombstone / that will summarize me."  You can't really get more ironical (postmodern irony, that is).  The idea that one's entire life span can become nothing more than a summation on a piece of rock is quite profound.  It comes dangerously close to cliche, but I think you nonetheless managed to avoid that. 

The incorporation of parentheses is well done, too.  It helps to enhance the point I addressed in the last paragraph.