Response 1, Week 8

On Josh's Free Write:

Some of the language you employ works really well.  Specifically, I'd like to note the opening line and the line "I fall down the dashes" (12) as examples.  Both are unexpected, as one will probably never see the same combination of words ever again--"down the dashes" and "Benzene pumps."  However, the final stanza seems long-winded and choppy in certain places, especially in the last three lines:  "a sausage egg and cheese that / means I'll strap my shoulder once more / before watching sand bleach in the aqua rays of morning" (13-15).  The adjectives become overwhelming and ultimately confuse me.  Though I appreciate your use of alliteration and consonance, I feel it could become much greater if you were to trim some of the adjectives away and tone the final staza down some.  Sometimes understated can be better than elaborated.